her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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