Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
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I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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