Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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