I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
