let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
And then he peed in my hair
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