one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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