So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
