WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I smell stomach acid.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
