we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
