living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
