Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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