hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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