She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
