woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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