My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
