just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
