I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
