...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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