but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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