last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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