I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Randomize
