Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Even my vagina gasped.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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