Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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