The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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