I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
