I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
