I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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