Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
