don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
