everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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