My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I party with great urgency now.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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