my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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