how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
