My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
