You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
