you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
