Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
