Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
