I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
