Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
