Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
