Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
