You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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