Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.