Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
