When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.