How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
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I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
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I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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