i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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