Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I want to be your penis for a week.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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