I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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