She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
