did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think my fart just growled at me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
