The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
