Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
