I got her a Nickelback box set.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
