i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
