eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
