I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I touched a dick in church today
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
