There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
