i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
