i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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