I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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