i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
