I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
