At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
