she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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