last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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